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( of the barrel )

[18 Sep 2007|10:29am]
slowly but surely..I'm praying things will fall back into place.

I'm praying the things that need and should happen, will happen.

and I guarantee my best.

if you could just give me a chance,

then I promise never to let you down.

( of the barrel )

[11 Sep 2007|03:42pm]
goals for the next 2 months

1. work as much as possible.
2. get my tattoo.
3. get caught up on bills.
4. start looking for an apartment.
5. quit hating life so fucking much.
6. start doing things that make me happy.
7. quit living in the past.

I will. promise.

( of the barrel )

[10 Sep 2007|01:28pm]
Oh why do they leave
Oh why do they leave
On the day that you needed them the most

Simple cards and things
Rosecolored sunsets no flowers for me
Simple cards and things
Rosecolored sunsets no flowers for me
Lover why do you leave
Lover why do you leave

On the day I want you for me
Say say it ain't so
That he will take you tomorrow
And I will sit here today

The worst
Simple cards and things
Rosecolored sunsets no flowers for me
Simple cards and things
Rosecolored sunsets Curtains for me

Lover why do you leave
Lover why do you leave
On the day I want you to be
The one

( of the barrel )

[06 Sep 2007|03:40pm]
got a new job. got my truck back. started paying my dad off. started saving for an apartment. things still suck.

I'm not a bad person. I care ALOT more than YOU think I do.

Difficult not to feel a little bit, Disappointed and passed over
When I look right through,
See you naked but oblivious

And you don't see me at all.

Here I am expecting just a little bit, Too much from the wounded
But I see, see through it all
See through, see you

You don't, you don't
You don't see me

( of the barrel )

[05 Sep 2007|09:36pm]
I'm barely keeping my head above water, and I am trying SO hard not to drowned right now.
you see me out there but you refuse to throw a rope out,
because of my past mistakes.

I would never hesitate to help you. ever.
no matter what.

( of the barrel )

[30 Aug 2007|10:28pm]
nicely done. I'll definitely give you a hand for that one.

but hear me out...

why is it that one of the only things that I have ever had to say is that "I know I fucked up, I'm sorry and I want another chance" It's so weird how you can just turn everything around and STILL make it like I'm sitting behind my computer and running around telling all these people that "yeah fuck her...she's a bitch, she fucked me over" blah blah blah blah blah

but no, it's not even like that. I've never said anything bad about you. the ONLY things I've said is that "I'm sorry this has happened. IIIIIIIIIIIIII..ME...MYSELF...yeah fucked up a few times and I wasnt there 110% of the time. I BLAME MY FUCKING SELF.

but it goes in one ear and out the other.


of course YOU cant see why we cant be friends. You just cant understand my reasons of exactly WHY I cant be friends with you. It's absolutely NOT because I thought someone that loved me would have it in them to give me another chance. Its because I have TOO many feelings for you. and there is absolutely no fucking way that I could act like everything was cool between us. and I really cant see how you could either.

but whats done is done. I have to do the things that are going to get me over you. I cant just lay around wondering what happened, and where I went wrong. I'm trying to be the best person that I can be.

I think the world of you. and it hurts bad to see you taking everything the complete opposite way that I'm saying or writing. I never have, and never will ever be one of those "ex boyfriends" I dont have anything negative to say about you other than the fact that I was wrong about you when it comes to a relationship. and I know I know, you were wrong about me too.

I cant make it much more clearer than that. I'm not, and havent said anything bad about you to anyone, so stop getting on here and trying to defend yourself. there's nothing to defend yourself against.

( of the barrel )

[27 Aug 2007|02:49am]
I love how things get fucked up...and you apologize to that person 2345234524 times..and try and do everything you can to fix it. and you beat yourself up over it, EVEN though its not as dramatic as this person has made it out to be, or convinced themselves to be..

but these type of people have that whole fuck you, you're a piece of shit attitude.


if I were to shoot myself in the fucking face to show you how sorry I was...it wouldnt make a difference to you. and you would still have that attitude and front that you put on for all of us to roll our fucking eyes at you.

I dont think its me who needs to grow the fuck up.


please believe those "friends" that you would have your back through thick and thin...yeah you'll find out that it just doesnt go down like that. it's only amatter of time until they move on and leave you knowing that I told you so.

( of the barrel )

[21 Aug 2007|11:28am]
I'm fucking sick of everything. I'm sick of everyone.

I'm so fucking bitter now towards everything, and its your fault. If I'm hated by people, Its all your fault.

but you dont have the upper hand anymore. because I'm moving on with or without you. I dont need you or anyone else, and I dont deserve this.

( of the barrel )

[16 Aug 2007|02:00am]
the periods that get me
I can deal with it
I cant deal with it
I'm okay without it
I'm dieing without it
I'm fine without it
I'm tired without it
I'll make it through without her
I'm panicking without her
I'm selfish
I dont think about anyone but myself
but I love her
I love her
and I swear to god
I think about her
too much
it can be alright without her
but I've never been more scared
what if its not
I dont deserve this
or am I just being selfish
you know I regret
its more than wanting something you cant have
its more
I'm scared
and you're so much
with or without me
you're so much
you're so much more
than me
I cant apologize enough
I cant convince you anymore
that I'm not who you thought me out to be
who you think I made myself to be
I'm lookin straight at you
and you know
and you look away
I'm staring straight at you
and you turn away
like you never felt so much
like you're sick to feel too much
and I'm sorry
I am
I'm so sorry
I'm sorry for disappointing you
I'm fragile without you
I want away
I have nothing to call my own
I had it
I had it all
and I lost it
I through it away
taking advantage was easy
and Im sorry
I know you've heard it before
I want to drive so far
with you
I want you sitting beside me
I want to sleep
but I dont want to wake up
knowing what I did when I fell asleep
its not how you see it
its not
I swear its not how you see it
I'll change
I'd change for you
I swear I would
I'd do whatever it takes
its hard that its got to this
I know you
I do
and you know me
and I know you can see
right through me
you can see past it all
I dont want anything else
I dont want it
I dont care what they think
I dont
I've hit the bottom to hard
to care what they think
I dont want anything else
please believe me
I dont want it.

( of the barrel )

[12 Aug 2007|03:28am]
So, I have put ALOT of thought into this..and I have decided that I want absolutely nothing more than to go on the road with my acoustic thing I'm doing. I have alot of faith in my songs that people will beable to relate to them and I have alot of faith that I could go out there and maybe get somewhere with it.

the thought of being on the road every day playing the songs that I wrote and that have an incredible amount of feeling and meaning behind them, makes me want to get out there asap.

I'm getting a job monday, and I'll pay my bills and at the same time save for recording...record the album, and as soon as I get everything settled with the album, then I'll be will gone.

there's absolutely nothing that will stop me. I've fucked up too many times to not do this. This is what I want to do, and I am going to do it.

I'm extremely excited about it and hopefully everything will be fine. hopefully I will be out of here by this time next year. I'm planning on sooner. but it all depends on when the recordings get done.

finally, something to look forward to.


( of the barrel )

[03 Aug 2007|11:27pm]
It's wrong and not understandable how you can completely lose contact with me. You are everything that you said you wouldnt be, if and when this happened. You proved me right once again. and I know you sit there rolling your eyes, and thinking about how big of a piece of shit you think I am. but you know, and I know, that I've never done anything to you for you to treat me like this. You're not worth waiting around on anymore. The way you've treated me, you're not worth wasting another fucking dream on you. All those times we had, ALL of those unforgetable things we shared, they dont mean shit to you, and lets be honest..they never have. because if anything that had to do with me, ever meant HALF as much to you as those things meant to me..then you would have no problem with not believeing, but knowing I'm not a waste of your precious time.

I wish I could think of you as one of a kind. When my "friends", the people you think scum of the fucking earth just because they didnt live up to YOUR standards.. the people that I turned my back on because I thought I had something better, I thought I had something stronger than them. when they said "you know man...she's just like the rest of them..everything is fine now..everything is great...but one day, she's going to do to you, whats happened to everyone at this age" and I always thought "you know..she's alot better than that..she ISINT how you make her out to be" I was so fucking stupid. because look what happened. You can give every reason under the sun of exactly WHY you feel like "it cant work out" but when I was on my fucking knees BEGGING you to take me back...come on..there's something else there that you just dont want to admit of exactly why you think "things cant work out".

SO, with that said. I hope your friends are worth it. I hope you, and all of your friends are happy when you're laughing behind my back, because they know, that you could give a shit less about me, and I'm still here begging you to take me back. I will no longer open up to ANYONE else. I will no longer trust anyone as much as I trusted you. I will never again put my heart into somebody who takes it for granted and doesnt realize what an amazing person they have right infront of their face.

you have put me through something that noone has ever put me through. You have burned an image of your face in the back of my mind, so when I try and get some peace of mind, there is no piece of mind. it's always you. It's always thinking about you. It's always sitting there with the phone in my hand just PRAYING for you to call. just HOPING that if there is a god, that he will see how much this hurts me, he will see HOW MUCH you meant to me, and he will understand that nobody needs somebody to go through life, but he will see that I'm alot better off with you, then without you. I'm sick and I'm tired of feeling like this.

most of all, I'm tired of dreaming about this never happening. I'm tired of dreaming about everything being fine. and it being YOU AND ME, and then waking up and realizing that "yeah...it happened. she REALLY had it in her to do this to you"

I love you, and god knows that I will always love you. but I'm not doing this anymore. You've lost a one of a kind relationship, and you've lost a better friend than you think I am.

( of the barrel )

[18 Jul 2007|01:20am]
I hope you call me really soon. because I want to be with you right now. and I'm tired of feeling like this. and I dont want to get over you because I know we're better than this. I know things can work out. and Im not listening when I hear "she's gone get over her" I cant afford to have my heart broken again but when i speak to you it's the hardest thing to watch you walk away from me because you think it's the right thing to do. the others dont matter in the end. you and I are the ones that need and should stick together. I cant help but to sit here and think what we could be doing right now. laying in the bed watching t.v? going to the store to buy pointless things? waiting for you to get home so I can wrestle with you? sure you could do these things with anybody else..but would it matter to them or you as much as it matters to me? having your company is enough to get me by and knowing that I'll have you at the end of the day, at the end of the year, is enough to keep me happy. we have so much ahead of us and even more amazing times, but being a young couple that loves eachother is going to put us right infront of disagreements, confrontations, and problems. It's about seeing past those things. Knowing that NOMATTER what happeneds, they're going to be there for you. that they're always going to love you and give you more than they could ever imagine giving anyone. Knowing that NOMATTER what the degree of the problem is, love is what is going to save the relationship. I could go on all day why I should be the last guy you ever be with. but it's up to you to realize soon that these things dont just happen in the movies, it's not just a fairy tale. It's actually possible to fall in love. the people that disagree are the people that have never loved and lost. that dont understand the concept of love. I'm a wreck. physically and mentally without you. I cant eat I can sleep. I cant be happy. people say you have to make yourself happy before you should make anyone else happy. the truth is the only thing that could ever make me happy is you. dont ruin something so pure, so hard to find these days over something that can be worked out. I've went through enough. we've went through enough. I want the phone call. I want the words "come home babe" to come out of your mouth. I want the two year anniversary and more to come. you can be happy. we can be happy. just see through all the fog. You know I would do anything for you. dont throw that away.

I meant what I said when I said I would settle down with you
Although I know it’s not something that you were asking me to do
And I know we are young but we won’t always be so marry me
Let’s not be that predictable young couple changing moving on

I love you.

(1 I'll see you at the bottom of the barrel )

[25 Jun 2007|10:21pm]
this is the single most hardest thing I've ever had to do.
and the most worst feeling I've ever had.

(3 I'll see you at the bottom of the barrel )

[10 Jun 2007|03:48pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

started my new job last wednesday.

I'm going to be makin bank.

get paid every two weeks, which sucks but...oh well.

I started out about 3 more dollars than everyone else, just because I have experience.

in two weeks...I'm going to have a big wallet. then I'll probably lose it all due to paying rent and everything else.

yeah life sucks.

about to get a brand new truck. tis going to be nice



I'm also saving for alittle boat. I'm going to get like one of those motor boats for around 1500 and I'm going to fish every fucking day. seriously.

off to eat some grub at mom and dads

( of the barrel )

[30 May 2007|01:23pm]
it's been awhile since I made a reaalll post so..here you go.

not like anyone reads these anymore anyway.

living in the apartment. it would be better if I had money.

I start my new job at dixie home crafters this week. they're starting me out at 10 an hour so..40 hours a week. decent money. I'm siked about makin money

with not having money these past months..I realized how shitty things are unless you have a decent income. especially if you like hanging out with friends as much as I do. jobs sucks but having money when you're with your friends is better.

I was playing guitar for straight line stitch. but I decided it would be best for me if I were to stay here. it was nothing personal at all. It's just if I were going to do a tour like that..I would want my close friends to be the people I do it with. another reason I didnt do it was because I would like to see my architect get off the ground. I think we have potential.

if you havent checked out the new he is legend. please do, it's fucking incredible.

thanks for not reading.

( of the barrel )

[18 May 2007|03:13pm]
sing us a song to stop the silence.

( of the barrel )

[29 Jan 2007|11:10pm]
my life is boring.

(1 I'll see you at the bottom of the barrel )

[16 Jan 2007|02:57pm]
I pretty much got a new job. (in which I'm about to be late for.)

this is my job. all day long.

Mr jones?
hi this is Nathan with Rainsoft, and we're conducting a brief survey about the water in your home, and around your area. would you rate your water quality as being good, fair, or poor?
piss off man.
alright see ya.

it's an excellent job.

(2 I'll see you at the bottom of the barrel )

[30 Dec 2006|03:33pm]
I need a place to go where there is nobody there.

(1 I'll see you at the bottom of the barrel )

[05 Dec 2006|05:39pm]
soooooo havent updated in awhile.

not much has happened. at all.
well kinda I guess..

I quit my job at wal-mart. turkey CREEK was just too far to drive out to everyday. especially since I have to pay my dad car payment..and insurance. so yeah..but I got a new job at Comp USA. I'm have orientation monday and he said I should start tuesday. so HOPEFULLY I will start next tuesday and get some cash money coming in.

the band is coming along. slowly but surely. I have no patience when it comes to starting a band. I want everything done in one day. I want everything up. and most of the time thats not possible because there's atleast acouple people in the band that it doesnt matter how fast the process of the band is going. but I guess that's cool. so..slowly but surely we're getting everything together. and maybe we'll have some new recordings up soon. but I dout it.

kay and I are good. we are trying our best to get her moved down her. for having dated so long..I think we deserve to beable to see eachother more than 2 times every two weeks. and I think she thinks the same. money is the root of all evil. basically. It puts me in a terrible mood when I cant see her. it makes everything worse. so I hope we can get all the money together and move out already.

well thats about it.

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